Day 14: How can you support yourself even more?

I have already touched on some strategies to cope with the feeling of being overwhelmed in the past, so I will make it short today. 

Source: https://casv.org.au/self-care/

Like I wrote before, I realize timing my work, regardless of whether I manage to stay within the limit in the end, helps me kick start it more easily. Hence I will create this sense of pseudo-urgency to help me overcome the initial feeling being overwhelmed. Exercising regularly also makes me feel great. Also I will try meditation in the future as well.

The second strategy is to break down a seemingly monumental undertaking into many concrete, minute tasks so each single step seems effortless enough to complete. I manage to use this technique to overcome my reluctance to do stretching at night - because the session involves around 20 minutes of tiring, painful exercise, I was tempted many times to put off the ordeal. Yet by focusing only on the imminent posture, followed by another at a time, I am able to edge myself through it. I shall employ this strategy in other areas as well.   

Yet perhaps most importantly, I realize once I get into a prolonged task I will automatically set the bar higher and higher. For example, while I started the first journal with a relatively free-writing mood, as the blog goes on I become more strict, demanding myself to write longer and better which eventually leads to burnout. While I can understand my desire to improve on any recurring task, this mindset also makes the task increasingly stressful and hard to finish. When this happens, I need to tell myself to lean back a bit. I am take things too seriously in life, I have been told several times. I am not intending to refute it.

This is also why I am calling it short today.

Day 13: What does overwhelm mean to you?

Just as I left off in the last journal, the flip side of being an HSP is getting overwhelmed easily, i.e. exhausting one's mental and emotional capacity. It happens to me a lot - like I mentioned even keeping up with this blog is giving me considerable stress. 

It is obvious when I feel overwhelmed. Almost every task I to do will exceed the intended duration, so the time allocated to the remaining tasks inevitably gets squeezed; yet I am not willing to sacrifice those tasks either, so there will an eternal procrastination in my schedule. Needless to say this tenses me up, especially so when the delay is not caused by my perfectionist tendency but due to unexpected circumstances, rendering me a sense of uncontrollability. 

As for how I react to them, I would sometimes look for distractions such as watching YouTube or reading random articles on the web that interest me. Unfortunately, my curiosity would get in the way and what I usually assume to be a short break would evolve into another goal by itself! This is such an irony as it is precisely the delay of my schedule which creates the stress, and by doing so I make the matter worse. 

My other coping way is to engage in impulsive eating, particularly sweet drinks and desserts. Perhaps the glucose boost is good for refreshing the brain in the short-term, but I am sure it is not doing me good in the long run. Gladly I have kept a good habit of exercising regularly, and I believe it is the healthiest approach. 

With all these coping strategies, I can eventually recover and refocus on the tasks at hand. Nonetheless it usually does not take long to relapse again, so a semi-vicious cycle prevails. Fortunately by learning to dive into the tasks without overthinking, I have discovered a technique to overcome my reluctance to start, thereby alleviating the unnecessary stress.  

Day 12: How is sensitivity your superpower?

Honestly I am surprised to see this topic coming up again, as we just reflected on this two days ago. Yet since we are here, I would elaborate further on this. 

Apart from having deeper feelings towards the aesthetics, emotions and intellectual discussion I mentioned last time, another so-called "superpower" I am endowed with is an exceptionally keen eye on detail for texts and facts. This perhaps explains why I excel in reading comprehension, and am particularly good at picking up errors or meanings between the lines. 

Source: uxplanet.org/complex-products-25b3793f8f49

Examples are everywhere. I once spotted a typo in the letter head of an organization which has been used for years. Another time I caught many errors, out of others' expectation, when asked to proof-read a pamphlet draft which they assumed was pretty much done. When me and my business partners were running our energy equipment business, I had to constantly correct the blunders they made, driving me nuts; even for tedious topics like audit reports, I would still spend tremendous effort to go through them and come up with comments.  

Not surprisingly, such behaviour is not always welcomed. Many people would view my constant feedback as picky, if not outright arrogant. I will not deny the fact I might take some pride in it; yet at the same time I also have a strong urge to set things right. Seeing something wrong and pretending not so is like trying to refrain from scratching a very itchy spot. It consumes me almost like an obsession, and this urge to rectify is more compelling than the vanity it accompanies. 

Another downside of this, of course, would be the excessive time and mental drain I put on myself. As a result of this characteristic, I do most things slower than an average person, even for simple tasks like my previous dish washing part-timer. Yet rushing through things really isn't consistent with my inner feelings. This brings back to the haunt of perfectionism, which I had discussed before and won't repeat here.

To conclude, I am aware of my meticulousness can be my superpower - only if I channel it under the right circumstances. So goodbye to lousy jobs and mindless activities; sophistication is what I will align myself with.

Day 11: What has been important so far?

Within the blink of an eye we are already halfway through the journaling journey. I find this exercise very meaningful, as I had planned to do it long time ago but just couldn't muster the willpower to commence. With a push from a coach I can finally pull it off - thanks Frida again.  

Having said that, writing every day is indeed no small undertaking. I have decided to put this at my foremost priority of the day so that I can keep it on track. However, this means other tasks have been pushed back more or less. It is not easy to maintain the delicate balance of meeting competing goals; I am constantly juggling them around.

Insight-wise, I knew in the beginning even though I set a timer for the task I won't follow, because I always take longer than I would have loved to in completing virtually any task. Nonetheless, even with pseudo-timing it creates an urgency to force me into starting, which is normally the hardest part for me. Once I get past that beginning phase I can continue readily regardless of the presence of a timer. I should probably use this technique to kick off my other goals.

Secondly, with my perfectionist tendency it is obvious that I cannot finish the tasks within the limited time. In fact, this has been a recurring theme throughout my life, and has continued to cause me stress. As I know I am not willing to let go of quality in exchange of quantity, the only logical solution is to have less goals. Therefore, instead of creating an unrealistic schedule only disappoint myself in the end, I should forfeit some of them from the start. This is also not easy, but better than sacrificing my innate tendency to pursue excellence. 

There are no perfect solutions; every gain in life will inevitably entail certain loss. A life lesson we as HSP should all know but usually try to fight against, only to exhaust ourselves in the end. Less is more, simple but can't be emphasized enough. 

Day 10: How is sensitivity your superpower?

Sensitivity is a double-edged sword for sure. In the previous journal I have explored the dark times I experienced partly because of my HSP trait. However, now I understand why I am the way I was and can find peace with myself. With this revelation, I am also able to appreciate the bright side of this endowment.

I have realized for long I do 'think and feel' more deeply than general people do. I would find myself awestruck by the aesthetics of a candid photo, an abstract drawing, a moving story plot, and the ingenuity of mathematics or the mysterious nature of our cosmos. Yet when I share these feelings with those around me such feelings are not easily reciprocated; they might think of me as over-emotional or worse, pretentious. 

Although being highly-sensitive can be counter-productive on many occasions, if I were offered a choice about whether to have with this trait I would still prefer so. To me these feelings of the emotional and intellectual sublimation is much more valuable than joy derived from pure sensational or materialistic pleasure. This gives me an extra dimension of living which, frankly I believe, those who are not sensitive sadly miss out. While I am writing this article, I am listening to Mika Nakashima's eternal masterpiece Find the way. This melody is soooooo overwhelmingly touching that I shredded tears right from the verse. The ability to appreciate "beauty amid sorrows" is a undoubtedly blessing.

Mika Nakashima's Find the way

If the side effect of such an appreciation is accompanied by a tendency towards depression, anxiety, emotional fatigue, hesitation, fear, aversion to hustle and bustle, then be it. I acknowledge and embrace my sensitivity. Thereby I liberate myself from the shame and guilt it used to entail, and on the contrary harness it for a fruitful and meaningful life. 

Day 9: What does sensitivity mean to you?

What does sensitivity mean to me? This is such a huge topic to elaborate on. Simply put, having learnt there exists such an innate trait of personality in about one-fifth of the population, not only in humans but also across numerous species in the world, has been an enormous relief to me.  

Needless to say, I identified so many characteristics of sensitivity in myself. I always have an awkward feeling of going to parties, especially those involving strong lights and loud music, or going to sports events or rock concerts with large crowds. Shouldn't young people all enjoy such occasions? Deep down inside I know I do not - at least not in the intensity others find joyful - but it seems pathetic. Therefore every once in a while I would force myself to go, only to find myself hateful as to why I couldn't enjoy myself as others did. 

On the other hand, I find much pleasure indulging in abstract activities such as discussing intellectual topics or appreciating various forms of arts, which I am aware are not always celebrated by the majority. As a result I have always felt a bit on a different channel to most family members, friends or colleagues I encounter in life. There seems to be something wrong with me. 

As a Mensa member, I used to think my higher than average intelligence accounted for all such differences, while at the same time I knew that was not the complete picture - there are also members in the organization who don't fit this personality. However, once adding sensitivity as the final puzzle everything seems to come to light. My feelings can finally be validated, as there is a significant, albeit minority, of the population who share the same experience. Most importantly, it should not be something to feel ashamed of - we have our own strengths and weaknesses just as everybody else.

Being able to view oneself from a positive perspective is a huge progress towards self-acceptance; this is what the acknowledgement of sensitivity brings me. Now I am much more at peace with myself, and I am eager to explore more about this phenomenon. One important question that keeps hanging in my mind is, to what degree sensitivity is related to intelligence. After all, they both involve deep (probably overly so) processing of information, and I do find the behaviour of people with high IQ resemble those of highly sensitivity people as a whole. I hope to explore this topic as my future HSP research.

Day 8: What comes up when you are present here and now?

While I first thought it was hard to describe my feelings at the moment, after taking three deep breaths to slow myself down, I come to realize I am having been relentless. It seems I am suppressing some anxiety within myself that I keep going for a dopamine boost - one such quick fix is impulsive eating. 

Although I am not overweight and seem healthy on the outset, deep down inside I know my eating habit is taking a toll on my health, and I know this is due to my excessive eating habit. Similar to many people, I feel like grabbing something sweet whenever I feel stressed. The famous Hong Kong style pineapple bun along with thick milk tea is one that keeps popping into my mind on many occasions. After all, looking at this alluring picture, who isn't moved?

The world-renowned pineapple with butter. 

Source: tarasmulticulturaltable.com

When I say stress it does not only manifests itself as intense agitation but also subtle, mild anxiety whenever I am about to commence a perceivably demanding task. This journaling exercise is such an occasion. I have been procrastinating it for most of the day, and when I finally put myself together I was tempted to go for an afternoon tea - despite not feeling hungry. I seem to have developed this habit into a conditioning effect. As a result, I take in much more (unhealthy) food than I would have wanted.

Maybe coming to terms with my feelings could help me overcome this urge. It is an interesting thesis to examine. Next time while I am having this subtle anxiety again, instead of hitting the restaurant I shall give myself three deep breaths, calming my nerves to see if that little monster would fade away. If it does, I am sure it would be an exhilarating.