Final Day: How will you continue supporting yourself?

This journaling journey has come a long way, and suddenly I am writing the last entry. 

To be honest, this exercise is quite exhausting. I struggled to commence every day and felt the urge to procrastinate. Nonetheless, this also serves as an invaluable opportunity for me to learn the skills I need to overcome this bad habit, which has been haunting my whole life. These skills have been mentioned in the previous blogs so I am not going into details here; in short, set an time limit and take minute steps to kick start the task, without thinking about getting things perfect on the get-go. Once the flow state kicks in it will take over.

There are a few themes I particularly enjoyed. They gave me an exhilarating feeling during the writing process, and I hope to revisit these themes in the future and see if I can find any new insights. One particular revelation I have taken is mottos such as "living to the fullest", "making the most out of it" etc. only serve to elicit the perfectionist monster within me. By worrying "not doing the best", this thought actually causes me anxiety and paralyzes my action. 

Instead, I should simply relish the happy moments rather than not getting the best outcome. Nobody in the world can spend every day to the fullest, or always do everything best. There are many events in life that are out oy my control, appreciating I have put in effort, even not always the most, during the course of action is enough to celebrate. My self-worth is not be tied to the outcomes of those particular instances, and I should allow myself to fumbles at times. It is giving me tremendous relief, and I would keep reminding myself of this in the future.

Finally, I cannot emphasize more how grateful I am to Frida for encouraging us to do this meaningful journal. I am planning to continue this exercise, albeit probably not on the daily basis but whenever there are things which I  feel compel to write. Perhaps looking back in a decade's time, this will be a fun read about my own self!

The journey is not finished; it is only the beginning.

Source: Naomi Paper Co.

What happens when you give yourself time to reflect in writing?

I won't say there is a huge shift in my personality compared to when I first started the journaling journey. Nonetheless, managing to push myself to through this daily exercise has made me proud of myself. Moreover, I enjoy some particular themes very much like What does your perfect day look like from morning to night? on Day 3, as well as What makes you happy? on Day 5. Simply imagining these happy instances has given me great satisfaction.

Credit: Михаил Секацкий

Despite not making a huge difference, I do gain some subtle revelations from this exercise. First, I realize imposing a time limit can help myself kick start a project more readily - a technique I will certainly utilize in the future. Secondly, by breaking down what seems to be a monumental undertaking into minute steps, it helps me cope with the overwhelming anxiety, and the more immediately achievable a step is the better I can slice through the task. 

Lastly, by accepting my limited capacity to control things in life and letting go of the urge to set things straight, I can alleviate my perfectionist tendency and appreciate the good things that are already happening (and under control). When we become fixated about a certain unfulfilled desire, we tend to overlook many beautiful things and people we currently possess, and forget to be grateful.

I am really thankful for this journey.

Day 19: What signs can you see that what you want is already happening?

It is somewhat challenging to write about this as I am not used to thinking this way, and so I presume aren't many people. When we set a new year resolution or whatever goals to be achieved in the future, the underlying assumption usually is that we are currently inadequate, that we are not complete at the moment. Unfortunately, it is precisely this feeling of inferiority which undermines our self-esteem that is essential for achieving our targets. Therefore I can see how this exercise helps.

Source: Getty images

I realize I am changing my perspective bit by bit recently. I used to be disgruntled at the most little glitches of daily events, despite I knew they hardly make a difference to the grand scheme of life. I self-speculate this need of perfect control is due to my insecurity, and that in turn stems from my feeling of inadequacy. By appreciating more of what I have achieved, and being less critical to myself as well as more grateful to what I already possess, I slowly relinquish my urge to control. 

Paradoxically, as my urge to control things which are out of my locus only leads to helplessness, this relinquishment actually empowers me. It gives me the necessary clam. By letting go some of control I feel a sense of relief.  When I am not feeling daunted by the unpredictability in life events, I am more willing to take on new challenges. 

This shift in perspective itself is driving this change, not my actual work. My body is not perfect, but I have kept good exercising habit to stay fit; I am not making the progress I would like to advance my HSP career, but I am indeed making progress; I am still addicted to binge watching videos at night, but as I truly enjoy those moments why I should disdain myself for that? 

At the end of the day, I only answer to myself and what it means to live a life "to the fullest" hinges on me. As explored previously, this pseudo motto only does more harm than good by disguising social competition as meaningful pursuits. When I let go of this, I realize I am already blessed and thriving.  And only with this mindset, more positive changes will entail.

Day 18: Take one small action and see how it feels

I can relate to this theme very well. As a perfectionist, I always take so much time planning tasks that I struggle to get them started. By breaking the seemingly monumental undertaking into minute steps, it seems easier to overcome the daunting feeling. Once the work gains momentum itself things will flow along. 

Source: https://prolifiko.com/small-steps/

So what are these tasks? There are quite a few actually, writing this journal is one of them. By forcing myself to write whatever comes into my mind regardless of the quality, I have been able to better kick start it. Even if my meticulous character later sinks in to rewrite the texts many times, this technique still works fairly well. 

Another project that I have been dragging for long is to edit and republish my research article on EPL score prediction on Medium. In order to find a better prediction model I fell into the rabbit hole of going into great lengths about the decision tree algorithm, and it became too overwhelming that I eventually stopped. I became exhausted and resistant to this. What kind of small task can I do to regain the passion? Forget about the publication first; just update the EPL 2023-24 scores then run the new decision tree algorithm to see if results improve at all. Shall do it this afternoon.

Another task I keep procrastinating is sketching the portrait of the woman I have a crush on. Similarly, I have so high expectation of myself that I am too afraid to start and then fail. Eventually I even stop opening that picture in her IG account. I shall get myself to print that picture out and put it on my desk; this way I can refocus myself readily on the drawing.

Finally, I still haven't launched the HSP research projects. Apart from the constant distractions, the tasks also seem too daunting to begin. What small steps can I take to initiate it? Let's attempt the find a correlation between IQ and HSP scores. Spend two hours to do an online research to see if relevant data exist. If not, look for correlation between HSP and personality test scores. If still no good progress, write straight to the HSP researchers for help.

Here I completed the first task - Kudos to me! I will tackle the remaining ones after some rest. I can indeed stop procrastination; I can make progress and create changes.

Day 17: What are you dreaming of?

As HSPs, we are equipped with vivid imagination. Hence understandably it is our natural tendency to dream, and I am no exception. I (day)dream about many things.

I dream of peering into the mystery of consciousness with those brain imaging technology. Then write a fascinating thriller toying with the ideas along the verge of facts and myths. 

I dream of exotic adventures. Flying over South America on a solar airplane, or crossing the Pacific ocean in a yacht with my loved one. Watching glacier and aurora at the poles, capturing the most awesome moments on the camera would be a blast.

I dream of creating a self-sufficient dwelling where all power is met by PV panels. Glass walls are used to maximize lighting, but blinds can also be put down at night. Employ the geothermal air-conditioning and heat storage systems to keep a comfortable temperature. Use a water tank to collect rainwater, with vegetables food being grown inside. 

I dream of turning part of the dwelling into a café. There I can meet interesting people and engage in philosophical conversations, or  have a game of chess over a chilling yet relaxing afternoon. At the side of the café is a sophisticated sundial. Not only can it indicate the time of the day, but it can also tell the actual day, month and perhaps year. It would be so cool. 

These dreams are not exhaustive; I can keep on forever. Some are more down-to-earth while others are just outright fantasies. Unrealistic? Probably. Yet after all, dreams are beautiful scenarios in our mind that maybe one day could be ultimately turned into reality, as history has repeatedly demonstrated.

You may say I am a dreamer; but I am not the only one. 

Day 16: Write yourself a love letter

So how would I express love to my younger myself had I got the time machine to write a letter to him? 

Undoubtedly I would tell me to accept myself as an HSP, which has his own awesome qualities. I should be proud of them. Needn't force myself to act like other intrepid comrades - they are simply of a different breed. I don't have to act cool amid noisy parties or pretend to be an alpha male even when I was obviously not comfortable at it. I have my unique charm of intellect and humour, and I don't have to go down that path to impress others. 

I would tell myself to trust my gut feeling and pursue whatever pleases my heart. If studying psychology gives me the most joy, then just pursue a researcher career and don't succumb to what others think. Seize the chance to travel to the places I like and fuck the "spoilt kid" comments those assholes kept throwing at me. Same in love affairs. Don't be consumed by vanity to refrain from pursuing the gals I feel infatuated with, or keep thinking about bad outcomes - and this underlies the mindset that matters most next.

I would tell myself to stop believing we have to "live the life to the fullest". Everybody has his/her own definition of what would make their lives meaningful - to themselves not the world. Unfortunately, I don't think that motto carries the same connotation; to me the word "fullest" is only a synonym of "perfect" in disguise. It does nothing good but stirs up a pointless competition where you feel compelled to outdo other people in order to lead a "fuller" life. Caught up in this mindset, I veered off track and drifted from my academic goal. This statement is actually poison under sweet coating.

Therefore, I would tell myself to fuck living a life to the fullest. Instead, live a life to what makes me contented. This does not necessarily mean the traditional prestige many people are after. Even the grandiose goal to save humanity from climate catastrophe can be simply born out of pride than genuine passion. So instead of telling myself to "live to the fullest", "strive for the best" or "to create an impact as much as possible", I would tell myself to identify which people and things truly keep me satisfied, then spend time on these as much as possible, even they did not make my life "full" from the eyes of others.

Finally, when Frida suggests to say something to my younger self, Angela Aki's fantastic song 《手紙~拜啟給十五歲的你》 (a letter to your 15-year-old self) immediately springs into my mind. How great it is to end the journal with this.

Day 15: What makes you happy?

What an exciting topic. By thinking about what makes me happy, it helps me contemplate what my I truly value in life. So right here we go!

1) Play a joyful ball game with good companions. Don't have to win, but the game should be entertaining yet pressure-free.

2) Solve a cunning puzzle - be it a math problem, a chess game or an IQ conundrum. Share it with like-minded people like Mensans.

3) Explore a philosophical or psychological theme and discover something significant, e.g. find out the relationship between highly sensitivity and certain behaviour. Could HSP prefer football to basketball due to lesser visual stimulation and more open spaces? 

4) Travel to exotic places with my soulmate who shares my values of life. South America and the Arctic are on my bucket list. So are going on a tranquil skiing trip.

5) Spend an evening indoors with my loved one, watching a movie/anime, reading a thriller with great suspense or simply sharing crazy wild thoughts.

6) Publish a mysterious novel and get people hooked, let them keep guessing the ending.

7) Manage to do basic acrobatic tricks, including a handstand, straddle and side splits as well as full backbend with toes touching my head. Also watch a contortion show in real life.

8) Revitalize my music skills. Play a sentimental piece with acoustic guitar together with companions and sing along the way. 

9) See my ex-cat and niece happy and healthy.

The list is not exhaustive nor arranged in any order of priority; it is only a brainstorming exercise not a new year resolution. Yet I can already reap the joy just by imagining those moments. I am very satisfied. 

To end, I share this song which comes to my mind right after I hear about the topic.