Day 5: What do you feel is holding you back?

It is not unknown to myself that I tend to procrastinate a lot about what I want to do in life. From travelling to places I want to go, chasing the woman I like, writing a fiction, to learning an additional skill, these things seemed to get kicked down the path every now and then - including writing this diary, which I had to force myself hard to commence.

I have a few insights as to why that is the case. First and foremost, as many researches suggest procrastination is a common symptom of perfectionism, and I am a hopeless perfectionist. When a perfectionist intends to do something, he wants it go as expected right from the beginning until the end. Any unexpected hiccups would be seen as flaws and should have been avoided at all costs. This makes starting any tasks particularly difficult, as one could never contemplate every possible scenario beforehand. 

A classic example of such is ordering food from the menu. While some would just go straight into picking from the signature dishes, a perfectionist might likely go through all the items from the first page to the last before making "the best" option. This is not to say one approach is better than the other; but an observation that how HSPs, which I equate to perfectionist to much extent, do things differently than others. And this makes them more reluctant than ordinary people to try new things.

However, there is another conjecture behind what is holding me back at my goals. I have probably too many goals, and it is not just I underestimate the time to achieve them, but also the mental energy to do so. I cannot expect myself to be in a flow state for more than a few hours a day. My brain gets exhausted after one or two heavy duties, and starting a new goal would be too overwhelming by then. Therefore, whenever I spend the initial energy on some old tasks, the progress of the new ones would be severely affected. 

But this begs the question of the last aspect - why I would do the old tasks before starting the new ones? Apart from my tendency to complete existing work, maybe it also imply I have priorities of these in my subconscious, and the order of the work more or less reflects it. For the ones towards the end, perhaps I should review whether they are what I really want, or are they just unnecessary badges in my life that I should ditch to preserve my energy. I believe the truth lies in a mixture of these. Therefore, I should carefully review my feelings whenever I get stuck, and decide how to proceed. 

As another note, during this journaling task I realize setting a timer does create the urge necessary to embark on it which would otherwise be too daunting. Even though I did not finish it by the designated period, the "semi-flow" created along the way is enough to slide myself through - and here I complete it. Great tool to employ in future.