Final Day: How will you continue supporting yourself?

This journaling journey has come a long way, and suddenly I am writing the last entry. 

To be honest, this exercise is quite exhausting. I struggled to commence every day and felt the urge to procrastinate. Nonetheless, this also serves as an invaluable opportunity for me to learn the skills I need to overcome this bad habit, which has been haunting my whole life. These skills have been mentioned in the previous blogs so I am not going into details here; in short, set an time limit and take minute steps to kick start the task, without thinking about getting things perfect on the get-go. Once the flow state kicks in it will take over.

There are a few themes I particularly enjoyed. They gave me an exhilarating feeling during the writing process, and I hope to revisit these themes in the future and see if I can find any new insights. One particular revelation I have taken is mottos such as "living to the fullest", "making the most out of it" etc. only serve to elicit the perfectionist monster within me. By worrying "not doing the best", this thought actually causes me anxiety and paralyzes my action. 

Instead, I should simply relish the happy moments rather than not getting the best outcome. Nobody in the world can spend every day to the fullest, or always do everything best. There are many events in life that are out oy my control, appreciating I have put in effort, even not always the most, during the course of action is enough to celebrate. My self-worth is not be tied to the outcomes of those particular instances, and I should allow myself to fumbles at times. It is giving me tremendous relief, and I would keep reminding myself of this in the future.

Finally, I cannot emphasize more how grateful I am to Frida for encouraging us to do this meaningful journal. I am planning to continue this exercise, albeit probably not on the daily basis but whenever there are things which I  feel compel to write. Perhaps looking back in a decade's time, this will be a fun read about my own self!

The journey is not finished; it is only the beginning.

Source: Naomi Paper Co.

What happens when you give yourself time to reflect in writing?

I won't say there is a huge shift in my personality compared to when I first started the journaling journey. Nonetheless, managing to push myself to through this daily exercise has made me proud of myself. Moreover, I enjoy some particular themes very much like What does your perfect day look like from morning to night? on Day 3, as well as What makes you happy? on Day 5. Simply imagining these happy instances has given me great satisfaction.

Credit: Михаил Секацкий

Despite not making a huge difference, I do gain some subtle revelations from this exercise. First, I realize imposing a time limit can help myself kick start a project more readily - a technique I will certainly utilize in the future. Secondly, by breaking down what seems to be a monumental undertaking into minute steps, it helps me cope with the overwhelming anxiety, and the more immediately achievable a step is the better I can slice through the task. 

Lastly, by accepting my limited capacity to control things in life and letting go of the urge to set things straight, I can alleviate my perfectionist tendency and appreciate the good things that are already happening (and under control). When we become fixated about a certain unfulfilled desire, we tend to overlook many beautiful things and people we currently possess, and forget to be grateful.

I am really thankful for this journey.

Day 19: What signs can you see that what you want is already happening?

It is somewhat challenging to write about this as I am not used to thinking this way, and so I presume aren't many people. When we set a new year resolution or whatever goals to be achieved in the future, the underlying assumption usually is that we are currently inadequate, that we are not complete at the moment. Unfortunately, it is precisely this feeling of inferiority which undermines our self-esteem that is essential for achieving our targets. Therefore I can see how this exercise helps.

Source: Getty images

I realize I am changing my perspective bit by bit recently. I used to be disgruntled at the most little glitches of daily events, despite I knew they hardly make a difference to the grand scheme of life. I self-speculate this need of perfect control is due to my insecurity, and that in turn stems from my feeling of inadequacy. By appreciating more of what I have achieved, and being less critical to myself as well as more grateful to what I already possess, I slowly relinquish my urge to control. 

Paradoxically, as my urge to control things which are out of my locus only leads to helplessness, this relinquishment actually empowers me. It gives me the necessary clam. By letting go some of control I feel a sense of relief.  When I am not feeling daunted by the unpredictability in life events, I am more willing to take on new challenges. 

This shift in perspective itself is driving this change, not my actual work. My body is not perfect, but I have kept good exercising habit to stay fit; I am not making the progress I would like to advance my HSP career, but I am indeed making progress; I am still addicted to binge watching videos at night, but as I truly enjoy those moments why I should disdain myself for that? 

At the end of the day, I only answer to myself and what it means to live a life "to the fullest" hinges on me. As explored previously, this pseudo motto only does more harm than good by disguising social competition as meaningful pursuits. When I let go of this, I realize I am already blessed and thriving.  And only with this mindset, more positive changes will entail.

Day 18: Take one small action and see how it feels

I can relate to this theme very well. As a perfectionist, I always take so much time planning tasks that I struggle to get them started. By breaking the seemingly monumental undertaking into minute steps, it seems easier to overcome the daunting feeling. Once the work gains momentum itself things will flow along. 

Source: https://prolifiko.com/small-steps/

So what are these tasks? There are quite a few actually, writing this journal is one of them. By forcing myself to write whatever comes into my mind regardless of the quality, I have been able to better kick start it. Even if my meticulous character later sinks in to rewrite the texts many times, this technique still works fairly well. 

Another project that I have been dragging for long is to edit and republish my research article on EPL score prediction on Medium. In order to find a better prediction model I fell into the rabbit hole of going into great lengths about the decision tree algorithm, and it became too overwhelming that I eventually stopped. I became exhausted and resistant to this. What kind of small task can I do to regain the passion? Forget about the publication first; just update the EPL 2023-24 scores then run the new decision tree algorithm to see if results improve at all. Shall do it this afternoon.

Another task I keep procrastinating is sketching the portrait of the woman I have a crush on. Similarly, I have so high expectation of myself that I am too afraid to start and then fail. Eventually I even stop opening that picture in her IG account. I shall get myself to print that picture out and put it on my desk; this way I can refocus myself readily on the drawing.

Finally, I still haven't launched the HSP research projects. Apart from the constant distractions, the tasks also seem too daunting to begin. What small steps can I take to initiate it? Let's attempt the find a correlation between IQ and HSP scores. Spend two hours to do an online research to see if relevant data exist. If not, look for correlation between HSP and personality test scores. If still no good progress, write straight to the HSP researchers for help.

Here I completed the first task - Kudos to me! I will tackle the remaining ones after some rest. I can indeed stop procrastination; I can make progress and create changes.

Day 17: What are you dreaming of?

As HSPs, we are equipped with vivid imagination. Hence understandably it is our natural tendency to dream, and I am no exception. I (day)dream about many things.

I dream of peering into the mystery of consciousness with those brain imaging technology. Then write a fascinating thriller toying with the ideas along the verge of facts and myths. 

I dream of exotic adventures. Flying over South America on a solar airplane, or crossing the Pacific ocean in a yacht with my loved one. Watching glacier and aurora at the poles, capturing the most awesome moments on the camera would be a blast.

I dream of creating a self-sufficient dwelling where all power is met by PV panels. Glass walls are used to maximize lighting, but blinds can also be put down at night. Employ the geothermal air-conditioning and heat storage systems to keep a comfortable temperature. Use a water tank to collect rainwater, with vegetables food being grown inside. 

I dream of turning part of the dwelling into a café. There I can meet interesting people and engage in philosophical conversations, or  have a game of chess over a chilling yet relaxing afternoon. At the side of the café is a sophisticated sundial. Not only can it indicate the time of the day, but it can also tell the actual day, month and perhaps year. It would be so cool. 

These dreams are not exhaustive; I can keep on forever. Some are more down-to-earth while others are just outright fantasies. Unrealistic? Probably. Yet after all, dreams are beautiful scenarios in our mind that maybe one day could be ultimately turned into reality, as history has repeatedly demonstrated.

You may say I am a dreamer; but I am not the only one. 

Day 16: Write yourself a love letter

So how would I express love to my younger myself had I got the time machine to write a letter to him? 

Undoubtedly I would tell me to accept myself as an HSP, which has his own awesome qualities. I should be proud of them. Needn't force myself to act like other intrepid comrades - they are simply of a different breed. I don't have to act cool amid noisy parties or pretend to be an alpha male even when I was obviously not comfortable at it. I have my unique charm of intellect and humour, and I don't have to go down that path to impress others. 

I would tell myself to trust my gut feeling and pursue whatever pleases my heart. If studying psychology gives me the most joy, then just pursue a researcher career and don't succumb to what others think. Seize the chance to travel to the places I like and fuck the "spoilt kid" comments those assholes kept throwing at me. Same in love affairs. Don't be consumed by vanity to refrain from pursuing the gals I feel infatuated with, or keep thinking about bad outcomes - and this underlies the mindset that matters most next.

I would tell myself to stop believing we have to "live the life to the fullest". Everybody has his/her own definition of what would make their lives meaningful - to themselves not the world. Unfortunately, I don't think that motto carries the same connotation; to me the word "fullest" is only a synonym of "perfect" in disguise. It does nothing good but stirs up a pointless competition where you feel compelled to outdo other people in order to lead a "fuller" life. Caught up in this mindset, I veered off track and drifted from my academic goal. This statement is actually poison under sweet coating.

Therefore, I would tell myself to fuck living a life to the fullest. Instead, live a life to what makes me contented. This does not necessarily mean the traditional prestige many people are after. Even the grandiose goal to save humanity from climate catastrophe can be simply born out of pride than genuine passion. So instead of telling myself to "live to the fullest", "strive for the best" or "to create an impact as much as possible", I would tell myself to identify which people and things truly keep me satisfied, then spend time on these as much as possible, even they did not make my life "full" from the eyes of others.

Finally, when Frida suggests to say something to my younger self, Angela Aki's fantastic song 《手紙~拜啟給十五歲的你》 (a letter to your 15-year-old self) immediately springs into my mind. How great it is to end the journal with this.

Day 15: What makes you happy?

What an exciting topic. By thinking about what makes me happy, it helps me contemplate what my I truly value in life. So right here we go!

1) Play a joyful ball game with good companions. Don't have to win, but the game should be entertaining yet pressure-free.

2) Solve a cunning puzzle - be it a math problem, a chess game or an IQ conundrum. Share it with like-minded people like Mensans.

3) Explore a philosophical or psychological theme and discover something significant, e.g. find out the relationship between highly sensitivity and certain behaviour. Could HSP prefer football to basketball due to lesser visual stimulation and more open spaces? 

4) Travel to exotic places with my soulmate who shares my values of life. South America and the Arctic are on my bucket list. So are going on a tranquil skiing trip.

5) Spend an evening indoors with my loved one, watching a movie/anime, reading a thriller with great suspense or simply sharing crazy wild thoughts.

6) Publish a mysterious novel and get people hooked, let them keep guessing the ending.

7) Manage to do basic acrobatic tricks, including a handstand, straddle and side splits as well as full backbend with toes touching my head. Also watch a contortion show in real life.

8) Revitalize my music skills. Play a sentimental piece with acoustic guitar together with companions and sing along the way. 

9) See my ex-cat and niece happy and healthy.

The list is not exhaustive nor arranged in any order of priority; it is only a brainstorming exercise not a new year resolution. Yet I can already reap the joy just by imagining those moments. I am very satisfied. 

To end, I share this song which comes to my mind right after I hear about the topic.

Day 14: How can you support yourself even more?

I have already touched on some strategies to cope with the feeling of being overwhelmed in the past, so I will make it short today. 

Source: https://casv.org.au/self-care/

Like I wrote before, I realize timing my work, regardless of whether I manage to stay within the limit in the end, helps me kick start it more easily. Hence I will create this sense of pseudo-urgency to help me overcome the initial feeling being overwhelmed. Exercising regularly also makes me feel great. Also I will try meditation in the future as well.

The second strategy is to break down a seemingly monumental undertaking into many concrete, minute tasks so each single step seems effortless enough to complete. I manage to use this technique to overcome my reluctance to do stretching at night - because the session involves around 20 minutes of tiring, painful exercise, I was tempted many times to put off the ordeal. Yet by focusing only on the imminent posture, followed by another at a time, I am able to edge myself through it. I shall employ this strategy in other areas as well.   

Yet perhaps most importantly, I realize once I get into a prolonged task I will automatically set the bar higher and higher. For example, while I started the first journal with a relatively free-writing mood, as the blog goes on I become more strict, demanding myself to write longer and better which eventually leads to burnout. While I can understand my desire to improve on any recurring task, this mindset also makes the task increasingly stressful and hard to finish. When this happens, I need to tell myself to lean back a bit. I am take things too seriously in life, I have been told several times. I am not intending to refute it.

This is also why I am calling it short today.

Day 13: What does overwhelm mean to you?

Just as I left off in the last journal, the flip side of being an HSP is getting overwhelmed easily, i.e. exhausting one's mental and emotional capacity. It happens to me a lot - like I mentioned even keeping up with this blog is giving me considerable stress. 

It is obvious when I feel overwhelmed. Almost every task I to do will exceed the intended duration, so the time allocated to the remaining tasks inevitably gets squeezed; yet I am not willing to sacrifice those tasks either, so there will an eternal procrastination in my schedule. Needless to say this tenses me up, especially so when the delay is not caused by my perfectionist tendency but due to unexpected circumstances, rendering me a sense of uncontrollability. 

As for how I react to them, I would sometimes look for distractions such as watching YouTube or reading random articles on the web that interest me. Unfortunately, my curiosity would get in the way and what I usually assume to be a short break would evolve into another goal by itself! This is such an irony as it is precisely the delay of my schedule which creates the stress, and by doing so I make the matter worse. 

My other coping way is to engage in impulsive eating, particularly sweet drinks and desserts. Perhaps the glucose boost is good for refreshing the brain in the short-term, but I am sure it is not doing me good in the long run. Gladly I have kept a good habit of exercising regularly, and I believe it is the healthiest approach. 

With all these coping strategies, I can eventually recover and refocus on the tasks at hand. Nonetheless it usually does not take long to relapse again, so a semi-vicious cycle prevails. Fortunately by learning to dive into the tasks without overthinking, I have discovered a technique to overcome my reluctance to start, thereby alleviating the unnecessary stress.  

Day 12: How is sensitivity your superpower?

Honestly I am surprised to see this topic coming up again, as we just reflected on this two days ago. Yet since we are here, I would elaborate further on this. 

Apart from having deeper feelings towards the aesthetics, emotions and intellectual discussion I mentioned last time, another so-called "superpower" I am endowed with is an exceptionally keen eye on detail for texts and facts. This perhaps explains why I excel in reading comprehension, and am particularly good at picking up errors or meanings between the lines. 

Source: uxplanet.org/complex-products-25b3793f8f49

Examples are everywhere. I once spotted a typo in the letter head of an organization which has been used for years. Another time I caught many errors, out of others' expectation, when asked to proof-read a pamphlet draft which they assumed was pretty much done. When me and my business partners were running our energy equipment business, I had to constantly correct the blunders they made, driving me nuts; even for tedious topics like audit reports, I would still spend tremendous effort to go through them and come up with comments.  

Not surprisingly, such behaviour is not always welcomed. Many people would view my constant feedback as picky, if not outright arrogant. I will not deny the fact I might take some pride in it; yet at the same time I also have a strong urge to set things right. Seeing something wrong and pretending not so is like trying to refrain from scratching a very itchy spot. It consumes me almost like an obsession, and this urge to rectify is more compelling than the vanity it accompanies. 

Another downside of this, of course, would be the excessive time and mental drain I put on myself. As a result of this characteristic, I do most things slower than an average person, even for simple tasks like my previous dish washing part-timer. Yet rushing through things really isn't consistent with my inner feelings. This brings back to the haunt of perfectionism, which I had discussed before and won't repeat here.

To conclude, I am aware of my meticulousness can be my superpower - only if I channel it under the right circumstances. So goodbye to lousy jobs and mindless activities; sophistication is what I will align myself with.

Day 11: What has been important so far?

Within the blink of an eye we are already halfway through the journaling journey. I find this exercise very meaningful, as I had planned to do it long time ago but just couldn't muster the willpower to commence. With a push from a coach I can finally pull it off - thanks Frida again.  

Having said that, writing every day is indeed no small undertaking. I have decided to put this at my foremost priority of the day so that I can keep it on track. However, this means other tasks have been pushed back more or less. It is not easy to maintain the delicate balance of meeting competing goals; I am constantly juggling them around.

Insight-wise, I knew in the beginning even though I set a timer for the task I won't follow, because I always take longer than I would have loved to in completing virtually any task. Nonetheless, even with pseudo-timing it creates an urgency to force me into starting, which is normally the hardest part for me. Once I get past that beginning phase I can continue readily regardless of the presence of a timer. I should probably use this technique to kick off my other goals.

Secondly, with my perfectionist tendency it is obvious that I cannot finish the tasks within the limited time. In fact, this has been a recurring theme throughout my life, and has continued to cause me stress. As I know I am not willing to let go of quality in exchange of quantity, the only logical solution is to have less goals. Therefore, instead of creating an unrealistic schedule only disappoint myself in the end, I should forfeit some of them from the start. This is also not easy, but better than sacrificing my innate tendency to pursue excellence. 

There are no perfect solutions; every gain in life will inevitably entail certain loss. A life lesson we as HSP should all know but usually try to fight against, only to exhaust ourselves in the end. Less is more, simple but can't be emphasized enough. 

Day 10: How is sensitivity your superpower?

Sensitivity is a double-edged sword for sure. In the previous journal I have explored the dark times I experienced partly because of my HSP trait. However, now I understand why I am the way I was and can find peace with myself. With this revelation, I am also able to appreciate the bright side of this endowment.

I have realized for long I do 'think and feel' more deeply than general people do. I would find myself awestruck by the aesthetics of a candid photo, an abstract drawing, a moving story plot, and the ingenuity of mathematics or the mysterious nature of our cosmos. Yet when I share these feelings with those around me such feelings are not easily reciprocated; they might think of me as over-emotional or worse, pretentious. 

Although being highly-sensitive can be counter-productive on many occasions, if I were offered a choice about whether to have with this trait I would still prefer so. To me these feelings of the emotional and intellectual sublimation is much more valuable than joy derived from pure sensational or materialistic pleasure. This gives me an extra dimension of living which, frankly I believe, those who are not sensitive sadly miss out. While I am writing this article, I am listening to Mika Nakashima's eternal masterpiece Find the way. This melody is soooooo overwhelmingly touching that I shredded tears right from the verse. The ability to appreciate "beauty amid sorrows" is a undoubtedly blessing.

Mika Nakashima's Find the way

If the side effect of such an appreciation is accompanied by a tendency towards depression, anxiety, emotional fatigue, hesitation, fear, aversion to hustle and bustle, then be it. I acknowledge and embrace my sensitivity. Thereby I liberate myself from the shame and guilt it used to entail, and on the contrary harness it for a fruitful and meaningful life. 

Day 9: What does sensitivity mean to you?

What does sensitivity mean to me? This is such a huge topic to elaborate on. Simply put, having learnt there exists such an innate trait of personality in about one-fifth of the population, not only in humans but also across numerous species in the world, has been an enormous relief to me.  

Needless to say, I identified so many characteristics of sensitivity in myself. I always have an awkward feeling of going to parties, especially those involving strong lights and loud music, or going to sports events or rock concerts with large crowds. Shouldn't young people all enjoy such occasions? Deep down inside I know I do not - at least not in the intensity others find joyful - but it seems pathetic. Therefore every once in a while I would force myself to go, only to find myself hateful as to why I couldn't enjoy myself as others did. 

On the other hand, I find much pleasure indulging in abstract activities such as discussing intellectual topics or appreciating various forms of arts, which I am aware are not always celebrated by the majority. As a result I have always felt a bit on a different channel to most family members, friends or colleagues I encounter in life. There seems to be something wrong with me. 

As a Mensa member, I used to think my higher than average intelligence accounted for all such differences, while at the same time I knew that was not the complete picture - there are also members in the organization who don't fit this personality. However, once adding sensitivity as the final puzzle everything seems to come to light. My feelings can finally be validated, as there is a significant, albeit minority, of the population who share the same experience. Most importantly, it should not be something to feel ashamed of - we have our own strengths and weaknesses just as everybody else.

Being able to view oneself from a positive perspective is a huge progress towards self-acceptance; this is what the acknowledgement of sensitivity brings me. Now I am much more at peace with myself, and I am eager to explore more about this phenomenon. One important question that keeps hanging in my mind is, to what degree sensitivity is related to intelligence. After all, they both involve deep (probably overly so) processing of information, and I do find the behaviour of people with high IQ resemble those of highly sensitivity people as a whole. I hope to explore this topic as my future HSP research.

Day 8: What comes up when you are present here and now?

While I first thought it was hard to describe my feelings at the moment, after taking three deep breaths to slow myself down, I come to realize I am having been relentless. It seems I am suppressing some anxiety within myself that I keep going for a dopamine boost - one such quick fix is impulsive eating. 

Although I am not overweight and seem healthy on the outset, deep down inside I know my eating habit is taking a toll on my health, and I know this is due to my excessive eating habit. Similar to many people, I feel like grabbing something sweet whenever I feel stressed. The famous Hong Kong style pineapple bun along with thick milk tea is one that keeps popping into my mind on many occasions. After all, looking at this alluring picture, who isn't moved?

The world-renowned pineapple with butter. 

Source: tarasmulticulturaltable.com

When I say stress it does not only manifests itself as intense agitation but also subtle, mild anxiety whenever I am about to commence a perceivably demanding task. This journaling exercise is such an occasion. I have been procrastinating it for most of the day, and when I finally put myself together I was tempted to go for an afternoon tea - despite not feeling hungry. I seem to have developed this habit into a conditioning effect. As a result, I take in much more (unhealthy) food than I would have wanted.

Maybe coming to terms with my feelings could help me overcome this urge. It is an interesting thesis to examine. Next time while I am having this subtle anxiety again, instead of hitting the restaurant I shall give myself three deep breaths, calming my nerves to see if that little monster would fade away. If it does, I am sure it would be an exhilarating.  

Day 7: What more self-saboteurs are hindering you?

Just as I looked into perfectionism yesterday, there are other self-saboteur thoughts which are holding me back what I want to achieve in life - one of them is the negative thinking pattern. 

I believe this is somehow related to perfectionism. Reflecting objectively about myself, I believe I am not too worse off than others. Nonetheless, as a perfectionist it is not surprising that I hold exceptionally high standards against myself, other people... and nature as well, which means whenever something undesirable happens, it takes a toll on me much more so than other people. Unfortunately, the world works in mysterious ways that are usually beyond our ability to comprehend. No matter how much time we spend to contemplate every possible outcome, we still fall short of our expectation every now and then.

I find it particularly hard to comprehend the presence of random violence in our society. Whenever I hear news of gangster crimes or school bullying it gives me an overwhelming sense of helplessness, making me feel hopeless and depressed. Also when I am not feeling confident enough, I am prone to assuming others judging me in a negative light, be they real or not. All these negative thoughts are hindering me from venturing into the world. 

It is not that I am not aware of how fear and being cautious can have its own merits. They protect us from going reckless and harming ourselves. But they should serve us rather than hindering progress in our lives. Having acknowledged this, my goal in the year is to strike a balance between this precious trait passed down from our ancestors, and the motivation to live a fulfilling life.

Day 6: What do you want to say to your perfectionist?

It is such a serendipity that I just wrote about myself being a perfectionist yesterday when this topic comes up as the main theme - seems I am well on track.

Image Credit: GoodIdeas/Shutterstock.com

I remember the first time I have this revelation was during my high school study in the UK. I was venting out my frustration on the physics research project to my teacher, citing the topic was so overwhelming that I didn't know where and how to start. After bursting out my helplessness, my very kind mentor suddenly replied: "M..,, are you a perfectionist? 

I was frozen at that moment. It was at this time I first realized this trait was taking a toll in my work. Unfortunately, back then people did not view perfectionism in too much of a bad light; we liked to praise those who could execute a task flawlessly. As such, I still held onto this trait as a golden standard to pursue.

However, after reading many articles on perfectionism I realize it is not the case. Perfectionism is a common cause of procrastination and anxiety for many people, me included. Most importantly, it robs the pleasure of enjoying things at the moment, which should be the goal for many activities. Take playing tennis as an example. Because I am too concerned with not losing, I usually end up playing anxiously whenever I am not doing well, which pretty much spoils the fun of the game. 

As Frida Kabo suggests, perfectionism COULD BE a self-saboteur behaviour in disguise. However, like she said the taste is also so sweet when we can achieve it, and we hear stories of many famous people succeed by "striving for the best (which happens to be the motto of my alma mater)". So which stance should we take? 

Honestly I do not have a black or white answer to this. There are indeed times I felt so ecstatic after things worked out exactly the way I expected - but that also means I got particularly deflated when they didn't, not to mentioned the constant fatigue it created. What is more, this is a typical characteristic of HSP that jumping into something without much contemplation just does not feel right. It is something so ingrained that is hard, and perhaps shouldn't, be got rid of completely.

As for this moment, I think the best strategy is to acknowledge I have a strong tendency of such, and should avoid overplanning when the outcome of a task is not really that important. As for those that matter, a certain level of diligence is indeed needed, and I should be proud of myself in this aspect. But once unexpected scenarios play out, I should accept my own limitation as a human being, and refrain from controlling the world. 

The only way one can avoid all accidents on the road is not to travel at all; yet is it a life worth living? So I tell myself, just take a deep breath whenever stages a chaotic scene, and let it be.  

Day 5: What do you feel is holding you back?

It is not unknown to myself that I tend to procrastinate a lot about what I want to do in life. From travelling to places I want to go, chasing the woman I like, writing a fiction, to learning an additional skill, these things seemed to get kicked down the path every now and then - including writing this diary, which I had to force myself hard to commence.

I have a few insights as to why that is the case. First and foremost, as many researches suggest procrastination is a common symptom of perfectionism, and I am a hopeless perfectionist. When a perfectionist intends to do something, he wants it go as expected right from the beginning until the end. Any unexpected hiccups would be seen as flaws and should have been avoided at all costs. This makes starting any tasks particularly difficult, as one could never contemplate every possible scenario beforehand. 

A classic example of such is ordering food from the menu. While some would just go straight into picking from the signature dishes, a perfectionist might likely go through all the items from the first page to the last before making "the best" option. This is not to say one approach is better than the other; but an observation that how HSPs, which I equate to perfectionist to much extent, do things differently than others. And this makes them more reluctant than ordinary people to try new things.

However, there is another conjecture behind what is holding me back at my goals. I have probably too many goals, and it is not just I underestimate the time to achieve them, but also the mental energy to do so. I cannot expect myself to be in a flow state for more than a few hours a day. My brain gets exhausted after one or two heavy duties, and starting a new goal would be too overwhelming by then. Therefore, whenever I spend the initial energy on some old tasks, the progress of the new ones would be severely affected. 

But this begs the question of the last aspect - why I would do the old tasks before starting the new ones? Apart from my tendency to complete existing work, maybe it also imply I have priorities of these in my subconscious, and the order of the work more or less reflects it. For the ones towards the end, perhaps I should review whether they are what I really want, or are they just unnecessary badges in my life that I should ditch to preserve my energy. I believe the truth lies in a mixture of these. Therefore, I should carefully review my feelings whenever I get stuck, and decide how to proceed. 

As another note, during this journaling task I realize setting a timer does create the urge necessary to embark on it which would otherwise be too daunting. Even though I did not finish it by the designated period, the "semi-flow" created along the way is enough to slide myself through - and here I complete it. Great tool to employ in future.

Day 4: What are you noticing here and now?

My stomach is pretty upset at the moment. I seem to have overeaten myself again. I have been trying to reduce the amount of food I eat, but it seems I have the tendency to finish whatever is left on the plate. It is not healthy, I need to change that.

Also, as another new year resolution I have promised myself to sleep earlier. Yet the solitude of watching YouTube or strolling the Internet at night has been too enticing for me to give up, and I always end up delaying my time to bed and waking up tired. This does not make me feel good.

Finally, my allergic rhinitis has been coming back recently, give me frequent sneezing and nasal congestion. It is not painful though; just pretty annoying. Together with my recent gout episode, I think I have been walking a fine line with my health. 

However, I do not want to translate these as a failure of my goals. As today's theme suggests, I am only expressing my feelings here, the aim is not to make an evaluation. So just acknowledging my feelings are good enough for this. There should not be any judgment.

And I believe I will finally overcome these along this journaling journey. I am hopeful.

Day 3: What does your perfect day look like from morning to night?

This is a very interesting question to ponder! Imagining this would definitely clear up what I want to achieve in my life.

First, getting up no later than 09:30am - I have been a night owl for too long and miss too much beautiful morning times. How about going for a quick swim in the beach before taking breakfast? To me the morning has to be slow and relaxing; the rush hour haze just kills the day.

Then comes in the morning work session. No matter what task I am at hand, presumably it would be something demanding much brain drain. But those are what I truly enjoy and pride myself on, so it would be a great time. There has been research suggesting when someone directs his entire concentration to one single task for extended periods of time, he will enter a "flow" state and this will bring the ultimate happiness. Therefore, a perfect day has to accompanied by a flow state for a few hours, where I will not be distracted by meaningless communication.

I don't really like lunch - the rush is again not welcoming and my stomach probably is still full from my late breakfast. So maybe an afternoon tea at two or three, when I have depleted much of my energy and need a recharge. Also this may be good time to do some communication with others. Coffee or tea with little bread or cake would an awesome choice of refreshment!

Then the second work session shall resume around 4ish, and continue until after dawn. My prime time has always leaned towards later in the day so I am likely to be most productive between 5-7:30pm. Most importantly, this shields me off the rush hour hustle and bustle and keeps my routine quiet. When I call it a day from work, I shall go on a meal with my romantic partner for some cool conversation.

Hopefully time will allow me to have another exercise session - maybe tennis, gym, yoga or jogging - before heading home at 11pm. After cleaning up and winding down for the day, reserve an hour or so for reading and watching videos, then hit to bed before 2am. This might seem late for many people, but considering I am waking up after 9am that's good enough.

If I can spend a day like this together with someone I feel truly connected, I shall call it a perfect one.

Day 2: What does success mean to you?

Not feeling particularly great today. Despite various attempts to self-assure myself, the feeling of being left behind in life still catches up with me every now and then. Perhaps this is a perfect timing to reflect on today's theme - what does success mean to me?

I have always had a vague idea of what I want to achieve in my life, but very clear on what I DO NOT NEED TO. Traditional values never quite appeal to me - climbing the ladder in the business world, moving into a luxury house, buying a chic car, trying out the best restaurants in the town, travelling to tourist hotspots whenever there is holiday, marrying a beautiful woman out of vanity, having kids to fulfil others' expectation...they are not for me. These things are nice to have, but not what I would define my life with.

Source: Ethereal Moon's namesake CD cover

On the other hand, I can articulate things that I find truly meaningful: playing sports with someone I enjoy company with; discussing philosophy or other grand scheme of things in life with like-minded people; travelling off the beaten track around the world and taking serene pictures; or just having a deep conversation about an interesting movie, music or story over a cosy café - you get the sense there. 

Yet most importantly, I want to leave behind some intellectual legacy for the world. Be it making new finding in HSP research, writing an interesting fiction, solving a challenging puzzle, making crazy art pieces, or raising important questions in life for the world to ponder, these are the things which I treasure the most. To me they are much more fun to achieve than other traditional goals in our mainstream culture. Not trying to be arrogant; people are just born differently with different goals in mind and it is naïve to assume everybody shares the same ones.

So in short, when I can accomplish some, if not all, of these things I my life I will feel truly contended, and that is how I call my success. As for money, fame and other worldly goals, I won't say I don't care about them at all. But they are not the definitions of my success; they are side dishes. The intellectual journey, and the connections with people I make along this path, is the main course to me.

Feeling better after I have spurted out my words - thanks for this exercise.

Day 1: Where do you want to be in 21 days?

This morning I am sleepy as usual. However, as I a commitment to myself and Frida, I have decided to start writing this journal instead of procrastinating any further.

I have this lifelong habit of procrastination, which is holding me back from achieving my goals in life. I have read about the fact this behaviour is a manifestation of perfectionism. Because I want to do every thing "perfectly", I need eternal preparation which essentially means I will never embark on the project. Having acknowledged this, I know I have to ditch this idea and try to start working on things without overthinking. 

Yet this is easier said than done, as this urge to "make things right" is a trademark characteristic of being a highly sensitive person. Even as I am writing this journal, this thought keeps creeping in my mind and makes me want to procrastinate. Yet I am improving - at least I am writing now, which makes me feel good about myself. I am grateful about it.

This feeling leads to another revelation I learnt recently. Every new year we all like to come up with resolutions with a dozen goals: working out more, going on a diet, start a business...the lists goes on, only to fail to achieve many of them and then feel shit for ourselves. This is because the very moment we set these fanciful targets, we are actually saying to ourselves we are inadequate. 

Ironically it is precisely this feeling which makes us feel bad and destroys our self-esteem; and without our self-love and self-acceptance, we cannot muster our energy and strength to achieve what we want. So there is a paradox. If we want to make progress in our lives, the very first thing we should NOT do is to think we need to improve in order to lead a better life; instead, we should accept ourselves as we are right now and make peace with ourselves, then go on to think what goals we should pursue to align with our inner calling, but not to consider them as targets to prove our self-worth, neither to ourselves nor to others.

So let me start here - I am grateful that I have completed this blog today, and I am proud of myself.